Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold

I’m not sure who first coined this saying, nor do I care enough to type it into Google to find out who did. It makes absolutely no sense, but it gives me chills hearing it come out of an actor’s mouth.  

“That’s right. You’re going to mess with me? I’m going to give it back to you. And it won’t even be warm. You’re going to have to swallow it cold.”

My landlord, a cigar smoking skinflint, won’t give me back my security deposit. I called him several times and he didn’t return my calls. I’ve been dealing with his middle man, an ineffectual Brazilian, who seems like a nice guy. Which really stinks because I want to yell at someone.

My brother, got preparation in taking the law school aptitude test by discovering in California the landlord has to give the tenant back his security deposit or an itemized list of deductions within 21 days or the landlord owes the tenant the entire amount. I found a great site that writes a threatening form letter for you.

I went over to the cigar smoker’s office to drop off the letter. The Brazilian was there and was slightly freaked out by the letter. “Let me see if I can get the cigar smoking skinflint on the phone.” What do you know? He got him on the phone. The Brazilian read the letter to him verbatim. 

The cigar smoking skinflint’s response? “Tell him to come on by. I’ll go over the deductions with him or we can do this the hard way.”

The hard way? This is where I got angry. I wanted to hunt him down and replace his box of Cubans with exploding cigars. I wanted to tag all over his building in crummy spray paint, “Slumlord”. But I took a breath and remembered my heritage. I’m a Jew. “Tell him I’ll see him in court.”

Small claims court, but still.

So I’m filing the papers. With all the time I’m putting into this I’d probably be better off just taking the partial refund. But he got me angry. I’m working on a speech to the judge. One where I stand up for the little guy from all the fat cat cigar smokers. Maybe it will even move the skinflint. After all no one sees themselves as a villain. Maybe next time he’ll return his tenant’s deposit. And maybe then revenge will be served to him on a warmer plate.


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