“Merry Christmas? Everyone’s wishing me a merry Christmas. I don’t even celebrate Christmas.”
“Don’t worry in 24 hours all you’ll be hearing is Happy New Year.”
“New Year? That’s not until September.”
These are the conversations you overhear when you take the redeye on Christmas Eve from Los Angeles to Fort Lauderdale. A bunch of Jews, Hindus, and atheists taking advantage of the one window of low airfares during the holiday season.
The downside is everyone is already out of town or hanging out with loved ones on Christmas Eve, so the only way to get to the airport is by shuttle or taxi. Your Ethiopian driver gets you to the airport two hours early because he’s been up since three in the morning and just wants to get home already.
“I hear you.” You tell him as you too woke up early. “I hope my plane is empty, so I can stretch out and sleep.’
“Either that or you are sitting next to a beautiful woman.”
“That would not be bad either.” You tell him as you leave to check yourself in on the automated kiosk. You get in line for security. An Indian man with crutches and a cast says he is unable to take off his cast. Very convenient. These Muslim terrorists are getting very sneaky by pretending to be Indian and unable to take off their shoes.
You have nothing else to do for two hours. It is night and Christmas Eve, so all the bars in the terminal are closed. You walk into the newsstand. So many words in there, but nothing that seems worthy of your time or money as you have already seen the photos of Tiger Woods mistresses. You settle on a book of crossword puzzles. Your flight boards. It is jam packed. This is a popular route for heathens.
You walk way to the back and take your seat. Every person who walks toward you, you pray sits somewhere else. The two hundred fifty pound guy. The Mom with two young kids. The Asian lady with a surgical mask. Then comes the beautiful woman, the Ethiopian driver told you about. She puts her bag in the overhead compartment and sits next to you.
“Merry Christmas.” You say.
“I don’t celebrate Christmas.”
“No, that’s the day my Dad left my Mom.” You think then about how while the Ethiopians might have great cuisine and be prompt drivers, they are wrong to value beautiful women over space to sleep.