The World Cup – Why Does America Call It Sucker And The Rest Of The World Football?

I’m playing poker in a Las Vegas casino when I hear people chanting “USA! USA! USA!”

I ask around to find out what happened. Did we finally complete Operation Iraqi Freedom? A man holding a beer in each hand hugs me. “We tied! We tied! We were playing England in the World Cup of soccer and we tied!”

I told the cretin to step away or he would feel my wraith. I will accept a hug from a drunken stranger for a victory, but a tie? Imagine we tied the Brits in 1776. Would that be worthy of fireworks today?

The idea of playing for a tie is one of the many reasons I refuse to accept soccer as a worthwhile sport. I can understand the sport’s appeal in a third world nation where all you have is empty space and rocks to kick, but to spend time watching this game when fantasy football drafts are only two months away seems the height of extravagance.

This is a sport that will never deserve to fully catch on in America for it lacks any subtlety. There are no small victories in soccer. In American football each play has meaning and significance. A sack can be cause for a massive celebration as can a run of two yards that earns you a first down. In basketball each of the countless baskets or occasional steals can merit friends to exchange high fives. I’m not a fan of baseball, but I appreciate how every out can be a sigh of relief.

But with soccer what can one cheer about except for a goal? And these mythical goals happen with the frequency of  special elections.  So here are my proposals so soccer can become a little bit more exciting.

1) Get rid of the goalie.  It will allow for more scoring and it will keep away the tactic of let’s play keepaway for forty minutes so we can finish with a tie.

2) If you keep the goalie, give him the same restriction of not being allowed to use his hands. Where’s the consistency? If twenty guys in the game can’t touch the ball with their hands why let the two lazy bums who just stand around with nothing to do for 95 perent of the game have the privilege?

3) Get rid of ties. For as former University of Alabama football coach Bear Bryant once said, “A tie is like kissing your sister.” And if it’s one thing they know about at the University of Alabama it’s kissing your sister.


3 thoughts on “The World Cup – Why Does America Call It Sucker And The Rest Of The World Football?

  1. Well, you get +1 point for a tie. +3 for a win and nothing for a loss. So tieing isn’t the scoreless draw you report on… If the USA tie again, they’ll be at +2. If they win, their score will be +4. So ties are valuable, in that you put some points up there. Being as the sport is competitive based on points, a tie matters.

    It seems you’re too into the Michael Bay formula of sports. Just endless explosions and pointless conflict. In the Lakers / Celtcs playoff, or any of these NBA playoffs, why does it take 7 games? If one team is better than the other, then why is it always a back and forth win situation, which is more of a tie. It seems like if was an 11 game series, they’d be a 10 – 10. It’s just random. But that’s NBA, where only the last minute of a 100 – 100 game matters. Whereas England were expected to win. The salaries of their professional players and their experience said this wasn’t going to be an NBA finals coinflip.

    Sure… The NBA ref came out and said these games are rigged. And really, how demanding is a sport where you play for five minutes, sit down have a water and then get up again for the mindless fouling of the last 2 mins? And the scoring is worthless as well. What is it? 100 – 100? 200 – 200? Do these teams not have defenders? Are they not capable of preventing goals? The NBA should just be reduced to cheerleaders and the slam dunk competition. But in dong that, where one goal suddenly matters and it’s all about the class and skill in pulling it off – then you’d have football.

    • Diego, thank you for taking the time from your cocaine habit and coaching the Argentine team to write in. While playing soccer might be fun, I think only an excessive amount of your favorite drugs and alcohol would make watching it fun.

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