Ode To Avocados

Since a large portion of the traffic that comes to this site delves from people looking for images of avocado trees (take a second to type avocado tree under google images and see what comes up first) I thought I would sacrifice this post to the avocado crowd.

I have a long, sordid history with the fruit. I once found a massive avocado tree in Mountainview, California. A friend and I went into a store and bought one of those seven foot pickers. We snatched more than we could eat, so the capitalists in us decided to go to the local farmer’s market and sell them. Customers were very pleased with our rock bottom prices. When someone asked for a sample we told the skinflint, “You want a smaple? You buy and go home and eat.” For some reason we were Israeli avocado merchants. We were soon ratted out and told we were required to have a permit to sell avocados.

There was an avocado tree outside my old place in Hollywood. I would pick them off the tree, but they would never ripen. I’d heard a trick to get the avocados soft is to stick them in a brown paper bag with a banana. Do these tricks ever really work? I was left buying my avocados. There’s a lady at the Hollywood farmer’s market I’ve been going to for years. I get three ripe ones for two bucks and she’s always filled with compliments. I used to go there a lot with a guy friend and we’re quite certain she thinks the two of us are homosexual lovers. I’ll let her think whatever she wants as long as she keeps throwing extra avocados in my bag.

So what do I do with these critters?

I’ve got two easy lazy ways depending on whether I have corn chips or not. One is I just slice the avocados along with tomatoes and carrots, and drizzle olive oil, salt and cayenne on it. Have it with some french bread if you’re into that sort of thing.

Then there’s the famous guacamole. I was shocked and outraged to learn most restaurants throw sour cream or mayo to bulk up their guacamole and not be forced to buy so many avocados. I can taste when they pull that trick and it always disgusts the hell out of me. Here’s my recipe. Cut up two avocados and mash it to smithereens in a bowl using a fork. Slice up red bell peppers or tomatoes, squeeze a lemon into it. (If you’re a spice fiend cut up a hot pepper into it). Then add salt and cayenne to your taste.  Mix it all together using the same fork and you’re ready for an avocado party.


3 thoughts on “Ode To Avocados

  1. You know what else avocado goes great on? Steak tacos. What’s with all these faggy vegan recipes? You wanna be European or something?

  2. the tip is actually backed up by some science! as the banana ripens it gives off a gas that ought to help your avocado along as well.

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