Inside The Locker Room


It was a glorious February day when my PE class was running the timed mile. I was a young lad of sixteen ready to stretch my legs to their limit. The coach yelled, “Take your marks.  Get set. Go.” Instead of pacing myself I figured I’d keep up with the spring rabbit of a kid in front of me. He moved quicker then I would have, but I managed to stay within spitting distance  throughout the four laps of the Coral Gables High School track. At the finish line I was even able to sprint past him.  When I heard the time I felt tremendous. Maybe I could do anything I set my mind to. I could be an astronaut when I grew up or even a shoe cobbler.

We returned to the locker room. I was sweating up a storm, so I decided to take my first and last shower of my high school career. I walked over the moldy tile and rinsed under the hot water feeling invincible. Maybe one day I would dress up in red tights and fight crime since my super power was obviously super speed. But as I soaped up I looked around the shower and noticed something that made breaking a six minute mile seem inconsequential. The three other guys showering had enormous penises.  The guy to my left went on to be a porn star. The guy to my right’s schlong went down to his knee. And the guy on the ground’s penis was so big he had tripped over it.

I was devastated. My self-esteem shot. It took me years to realize not everyone was that stacked. That those three guys probably only got naked to shower after every PE class for the express purpose of showing off their endowment. But  locker rooms to me are still terrifying places.

This is due to the old men who don’t give a damn any more. The wrinkled, shriveled superstars who drip dry and move in slow motion to show off to humanity that gravity does in fact exist.

One gym had a television and a chair in its locker room. An old timer sat in the chair watching CNN. Of course he was naked, but beyond that he was sitting on the leather chair without a towel or even toilet paper separating him and the seat.  After that I always had a private laugh when I would see an unknowing stranger sitting on the contaminated chair.

Growing up on comedies  in the 1980’s made me think women locker rooms were these erotic zones where centerfolds would towel snap each other and rub lotions on their bare backs. Women have informed me that this fantasy does not exist in our world. That the only women who show off their toned bod’s in the locker room are the ancient Eve’s to the Adam’s in the men’s locker room.  They were there when God exiled humanity from the Garden of Eden due to the original sin and never got the memo to clothe thyself.


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