There is no one lonelier than the Jew on Christmas. I’m sure Hindus and Muslims are pointing fingers in their own directions, but last I checked Ebenezer Scrooge was not wearing a turban and the Grinch did not praise Allah. No, these characters are obviously Jews who have been vilified for not getting in the Christmas spirit and sadly I can identify with them.
I’m still scarred from the days of my youth when friends would come over in late December and ask where our Christmas tree was. I would have to explain how it burned down because of all the lights we had hanging on it. And I figured those lies were why Santa Claus never left me anything. I would have been happy with a lump of coal.
But what about Chanukah, I’m sure you’re asking, as those eight days force you to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” at all state sanctioned events? I could not create a holiday with more anti-semitic stereotyping if I tried. Someone figured if you give them eight days worth of presents and chocolate shaped as gold coins it might shut those greedy Jews up. And yes, I have seen my bearded brethren driving around in Chanukah-mobiles with giant menorahs rigged up on their front hoods, but how stingy do they think we are that we should be excited about the Chanukah miracle that one day’s worth of oil lasted for eight days? My doctor said you shouldn’t be eating oil any way. It’s too high in cholesterol.
I suppose I could just conform and join in on the Christmas hoopla. Israel Baline changed his name to Irving Berlin and wrote the song White Christmas and Jesus Christ himself was born a Jew and he certainly got in the Christmas spirit, but what fun would there be in that? There are no two words more fun to say in succession than bah and humbug except for maybe oy and vey.
So bah humbug and oy vey and to all a good night.