The First Annual Pablo Awards

Welcome to the Hialeah Holiday Inn, site of America’s favorite movie awards show, The Pablos. Here’s your host, straight from the Catskills, Jonny Steele.

Ha cha cha, how you doing Ladies and Germs? Welcome to the wonderful evening we have planned for you. But first, take my wife please.

I’ll wait for the laughter to die down and then we’ll get to business. For those of you not in the know, The Pablos were started at the Aventura movie theater when Pablo Chiste was heard whining about what a crap movie he was watching and the guy next to him told him to shut up. Pablo Chiste left the theater in outrage. He found his witty commentary to be far superior to the  dialogue being spewed on the screen. And so Pablo Chiste decided to celebrate his own wit with an award show where each award would be handed out as a snarky one-liner. Let’s get this party started with the first award. 

For the False Advertising award winner, going to the movie with a sexy title that Pablo Chiste was most disappointed to discover wasn’t pornography – Puss in Boots.

“We want to thank Pablo for this great award, but really Puss In Boots is a famous children’s character. He should have known….”

Hey Poindexter, you’ve overstayed your acceptance speech time. Get out of here with your award and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. What a sicko making dirty movies for kids. Reminds me of my mother-in-law every time she shows up in our family’s home movies. Ha cha cha.

Next we have the prestigous If I Only Had Your Problems award going to Owen Wilson in Midnight In Paris who we’re supposed to pity because he whines the whole movie about suffering as a millionaire Hollywood screenwriter when all he really wants to do is write a novel in Paris. Pardon my French, but that’s crap. Get it, “my French”. We got an international sense of humor here at the Pablos.

Here to present the Caca Doodoo Award going to the best use of poop in a movie is my plumber and yours, Pedro Moncrief.

“The winner is the fat guy in Hall Pass who after eating a marijuana cookie decides to take a big poop in a golf course’s sand trap. That was a very convincing performance. It reminded me of a poop I took once.”

And the winner of the too much information award goes to Pedro Moncrief. Just kidding Pedro. I kid because I care. But seriously folks, we’re not getting any younger here, especially not you lady in the third row, so let’s get going. The winner of Didn’t I Already See This Movie Two Years Ago Award is… a tie. We have one Pablo for The Hangover Part 2 and another Pablo for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

And finally we have the Top Banana Pablo. This award goes to the movie that is so stunningly awful that it transcends any boundaries of quality until it settles the audience into whacky bliss. And the winner of the Top Banana Pablo is…. Larry Crowne. Congratulations, Larry, hopefully there’s room on your moped for your Pablo.

And that’s all she wrote. We handed out all our awards and now I’m going to see if I can cash in some of those drink tickets at the hotel bar. Signing off from the first annual Pablos this is Jonny Steele reminding you the pleasure was all yours.

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