Who Will Avenge The 11 Bucks I Blew On My Ticket? – The Avengers

A couple years ago I was at a poker game with a guy who claimed to work for Marvel Studios. I immediately peppered him with questions about the movie based on the comic book, The Avengers. “Who’s going to be the villain? Kang the Conqueror? Ultron? The Masters of Evil?”

He offered me nothing more than a smug smile and the promise that “It’s going to be good.”

I now understand why the guy was lousy at poker. He could not read me at all. If you can sense my incredible disappointment by the new Avengers movie, you sir, would make a much more formidable opponent at the poker table.

My love affair with superhero comic books began with the Avengers. The first issue I read our eclectic assortment of heroes were trapped throughout time. Some in ancient Egypt where they had to deal with the evil Rama Tut, others in the Wild West. I was hooked and I saved my newspaper delivery money to blow at the local drug store every Tuesday. The best comics were filled with creative plots, interesting characters. and inventive twists you couldn’t see coming.

I find it hard to believe that with almost fifty years of Avengers comics the screenwriters couldn’t find a more interesting story to base the screenplay on. Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, George Perez and countless other comic book creators developed a colorful world with imaginative characters, none of which are utilized in this cynical two and a half hour advertisement for an Avengers video game which is undoubtedly available on Playstation.

To be fair the movie isn’t without any merits. There are a couple funny gags. The special effects are amazing and the first time we see Captain America in battle with Loki, the Norse God of mischief, my jaw did drop in excitement. But it could have been so much better if they bothered to develop a plot. This lack of a story is even more surprising because the movie’s writer/director Joss Whedon wrote a terrific X-Men comic book himself a few years ago.

One of the cool things about the previous Marvel movies for comic book fans were all the cameos by peripheral characters. The Avengers avoids even this simple charm. Hell, they couldn’t even give us a clever cameo for Stan Lee. You have to wait until after the closing credits to witness a character not seen in previous Marvel movies.

At the tail end of the credits we finally get an interesting scene where we see all the heroes eating at a dive New York Middle Eastern restaurant. Now that could have made a good movie. Iron Man talking about the time he thwarted Count Nefaria from taking over the world between bites of falafel. Captain America scooping hummus with his shield as he recounts the battle against the Serpent Society. But that is only a thirty second snippet.

The previous 150 minutes we are punished with a generic alien race transported into Earth by a device which should be called the cosmic cube, but is instead called the Teseract.

I know I sound like a nerd nitpicking about all the things they got wrong. I am. And I know I’m in the minority with my disgust for this movie as it’s breaking every box office record. That’s alright, all you cool dudes can have this stinker. I’ll continue my exile in the comic book shop where the product has a geeky quality not found in this big budget extravaganza, imagination.

16 thoughts on “Who Will Avenge The 11 Bucks I Blew On My Ticket? – The Avengers”

  1. Hmm… You mean the dozen CGI superheros movies that previously came out, didn’t prepare you for the possibility that this might just be garbage? You and audiences, like you, who justify actors in spandex jumping in front of a green screen, are why 35mm films are phased out in favor of movies that emulate video game aesthetics.

    • I’m a sucker with selective amnesia. In a couple months I’ll forget all about this disappointment and be first in line to hand over eleven bucks to see Spider-man.

  2. “cynical two and a half hour advertisement for an Avengers video game which is undoubtedly available on Playstation.”

    Really, undoubtedly? You repeated your “advertisement for a video game” quip.

    It’s hilarious for several reasons.
    1) THERE IS NO AVENGERS TIE IN VIDEO GAME
    2) Even if there WAS, it would not make 1/10 of the money the movie will make. You misunderstand movies AND games. There are very few movies meant to advertise video games – the Wizard is the only one that comes to mind, and it was a modestly budgeted movie meant to advertise an entire system of games including the most iconic game property (Mario).
    3) Instead the opposite is true: video games advertise movies… this is a well-known and easily understood fact. Tie in video games tend to be relatively cheaply made. They sell a decent amount but they are not the big sellers. Banking a movie of several HUNDRED BILLION dollars for a tie in game with little hype (the previous Thor game for example was not a HUGE seller or anything) would be stupid. Banking that much money on NO game is of course, idiocy of a mythological proportion. Which of course, is not happening.
    3) Elaborating on 2 and 3, no movie meant as a commercial would have this SIZE budget – especially not for something as trivial as a video game.
    4) THERE IS NO TIE IN VIDEO GAME. It bears repeating.

    To sum up: YOU DON’T GET IT. MOVIES OR GAMES. NEITHER.

    • You are right Zodiac Digital there is no Avengers tie-in video game. You have my humblest apology that I dared attack the integrity of the Avengers movie. I offer deep regret if I offended the filmmakers and wish them good luck on their tie-ins with Target, Farmers Insurance, and Acura.

  3. This review has about as much weight to it as A.O. Scott’s from The Times. I mean, do you go to the movies just trying to find the negative and–after failing at that–decide to try and write a psuedo-intellectual rant containing little-to-no weight in which you claim to be some kind of comic book junkie who has been horribly slighted?

    Get a grip. The Avengers was a phenomenal movie and I applaud Joss Whedon, as well as beg him to go redo the Transformers movies that we may correct the anal leakage that is Michael Bay’s work.

    • Link, I go to the movies for entertainment and occasionally enlightenment. The Avengers provided only frustration for me. I’m glad you found religion in it and wish only happiness for you and the other followers of the Church of Whedon.

  5. Wow, this is like the most comments I’ve seen you get at one time, Pablo! And half hate you, while other you’ve bribed.lol Just kidding man. Going to see The Avengers this weekend. But, I don’t hold too much credit anymore with what a movie makes in an opening weekend or even all told because of inflamed ticket prices, 3D gimmicks, and a propensity for trying to put too much into one movie just to make money off of it. I look at how many people went to see it. Take like Titanic, roughly 100 million people saw that movie in the U.S. alone. Avatar, about 70 million U.S., and as such they had colossal grosses foreign and domestic, although I’m not sure what ticket prices are in the foreign box office to surmise how many attended there. But none of them hold a candle to the chairmen, yes men, of the board–Star Wars and E.T. I would say, roughly the entire United States saw Star Wars when it came out and half the planet saw E.T. That’s the measure by which all films are judged. Not only did they make tons of money, but they were awesome films! Stuff today is fun, but not that great, and probably never will be again.

    • Jason, I think you’re on to something. I think these chill pills are exactly what I might need to enjoy that movie. I lost touch with my drug dealer though, so could you maybe ship me some of these chill pills. While I wait for the package here’s another Avengers movie I would have enjoyed more than what they gave us….

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