Act I – STEPHEN ROSS, a 72 year old man sits at a desk in his plush office looking at Chinese take-out menus.
Ross: Ireland, get in my office!
Jeff Ireland, a middle aged man, stumbles in tripping over his own feet.
Ross: Ireland, I’ve owned the Miami Dolphins for three years now and I’ve lost money on my investment. I’m no closer to building that casino on the stadium’s grounds. Everywhere I go people boo me. Why is this happening?
Ireland: If we win some more football games it would change people’s perception.
Ross: Winning football games. That’s a novel concept. How can we make that happen?
Ireland: First, we should hire a coach.
Ross: That’s right. You got me to fire that Tony Soprano guy. I always hated that show. I prefer Two and a Half Men. We need a big name for the coach.
Ireland: We have several options. There’s Gruden, Tampa Bay’s former Super Bowl winning coach. There’s Fisher, who took the Titans to a Super Bowl. There’s also Cowher who won a championship with Pittsburgh.
Ross: Boring! There’s no pizzazz to those names. We need big box office appeal.
Ireland: We could go with Philbin from—
Ross: Regis and Kathy Lee. I love that guy. Now you’re thinking.
Ireland: Actually, he’s from—
Ross: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Not me. I like being a billionaire. But the people love him. Get me Philbin as the coach. Make it happen or I’ll give you a lifeline.
Ireland: Yes, sir.
Ireland walks into the wall, before reorienting himself and exiting.
Act II – Jeff Ireland waits in the office. He picks up a book from the bookcase, the bookcase collapses. A toilet flushes. Jeff Ireland struggles to clean up the bookcase.
Stephen Ross enters oblivious to the mess. He dries his hands on Ireland’s shirt.
Ross: Who was that guy you brought into my office?
Ireland: That’s Joe Philbin, our new coach.
Ross: He looks a lot different then he does on TV. They say the camera adds 30 pounds to you, did you know that? Is he ready for the new job? Has he ever coached a football team?
Ireland: He was the offensive coordinator for The Green Bay Packers.
Ross: Impressive. Who’d think he’d have the time with all his television responsibilities. So offensive coordinator, that meant he called all the plays?
Ireland: Uh, no, he didn’t.
Ross: So what did he do?
Ireland: I’m not exactly sure. I know he’s good at holding the clipboard.
Ross: No matter. He’s a big name. He’ll sell tickets. I want more big names. Get me that Peyton Manning guy.
Ireland: He won’t sign with us.
Ross: Why not?
Ireland: He doesn’t think we know what we’re doing.
Ross: Preposterous. What about this Chad Ochocinco? He’s got his own TV show and has a heck of a name. The Hispanic community will love if we get a Spanish player.
Ireland: Well, actually—
Ross: Actually nothing. If we’re going to make only one off-season acquisition I want this Ochocinco muchacho. Make it happen. Rapido. That’s Spanish for fast. Vamoose!
Ireland exits the room.
Act III – Jeff Ireland enters the room. Stephen Ross is reading Uncle Scrooge comic books. A, GYPSY woman, staring at a crystal ball sits at the desk too.
Ross: Ireland, you’re finally here. Take a seat.
Jeff Ireland falls down attempting to sit. He picks himself up and gets in the chair.
Ross: What happened to that Ochocinco guy? How come you didn’t sign him?
Ireland: We did, sir. He changed his name to Chad Johnson.
Ross: America is a melting pot. Good for him to try to fit in and drop his Mexican heritage.
Ireland: Actually, sir—
Ross: Don’t interrupt me! But nobody’s heard of Chad Johnson. We don’t need another no name on this roster. Cut him!
Ireland: Who is she?
Ross: She’s a Gypsy. She can predict the future. By the way she’s your new assistant.
Ireland: Nice to meet you Gypsy. I’m Jeff Ireland, general manager of the Miami Dolphins.
Ross: What do you see, Gypsy?
Gyspy: I see mediocrity. I see a 5-11 season.
Ross: Five wins is pretty good.
Gypsy: Those five wins only come because of an extremely easy schedule. I see a defense that can not cause turnovers. I see an offense with no big playmakers. I see three different quarterbacks starting for you over the course of the season while everyone wishes there was a fourth option. I see your best wide receiver from last year is now in Chicago. I see an empty stadium in October when everyone in South Florida is more interested in Miami Heat preseason games.
Ireland: What about me? Do you see if I still have this job at the end of the year?
Gypsy: Yes. I see Dolfans burning you in effigy, but you are still employed. You are demoted. I see you have a new boss.
Gypsy: Charlie Sheen.
Ross: That’s not a bad idea. He’s a big name and I always liked that show Two and a Half Men.