Age Before Beauty

Anyone out there able to hook me up with a fake ID? Sure being 34 I’m already able to buy liquor, cigarettes, gamble and rent cars, but I’m greedy. I want to go for the gusto.

If I could get identification that says I’m 90 or so I could get the most from society. I could get discounts on movie tickets. I could board first on airplanes. I could ride up and down the streets for free on public transportation and never have to get up for anyone.  I could call people whippersnappers in an unironic way.

The way I see it being 90 is superior to being 34 every day of the week. I won’t even have to buy health insurance anymore as everything will be covered by Medicare.

When I’ve brought up this idea to people before there was some concern that I could not pass for a senior citizen. But the way our society works is that if you have a card that says you were born in 1922, then that means you are ninety years old. And if you question the validity of that being my age I will thank you profusely and start talking about the benefits of a high fiber diet and a daily regiment of shuffleboard and jazzercise.

So reach out to me if you know anyone who can get that fake ID. There are a whole bunch of early bird specials up in Boca with my name (or whatever the name on the fake ID is) on it.

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