Cry Baby


A truly effective terrorism operation does not need to risk getting in trouble trafficking weapons, nor does it need to lose operatives by engaging in suicide bombings. If they really wanted society to bow down to their demands, they should just get their hands on a couple crying babies. A few minutes trapped in a room with those wails and people will be begging to give them whatever they want.

I used to think crying babies were no big deal. They were a little annoying when you heard them out at dinner at a restaurant or  in a movie theater. I didn’t realize my minor annoyance was only because the parents were doing all they could to keep their baby quiet. Because after one minute of crying annoying becomes irritating, after two minutes excruciating, after five minutes torturous and after ten scarring.

My daughter’s got some lungs on her. Every day the threat of them going off teaches me about fast twitch muscles I didn’t know I had. At first I figured I’d let her cry it out, but then I realized she has a lot more endurance than I do. If she doesn’t get what she wants there will be no peace and there will be no sanity.

When she gets that look in her eyes of displeasure and the first whimpers start coming out I start moving her around like origami. First move is on my shoulder, then I put her on my lap and try to shake her around. If that doesn’t work I check the diaper. If that doesn’t work I offer her liquor, cigarettes and  my life savings.

She is now richer than me and has a nasty smoker’s cough, but at least it’s quiet in here.


2 thoughts on “Cry Baby

  1. Awesome, parenting techniques, Pablo. Especially the last. I’ve resorted to letting them drive my car on occasion. Yes, a few people have died, the deer and possum population has suffered greatly, but at least there is peace in my home!!!

  2. Pablo, Rob from Hollywood here. Great post appreciated here by a fellow new dad. The first night we had our little girl home she was screaming like a banshee, and it left us wondering what to do. But now that we’ve figured out the four main reasons – swaddling, hunger, poopy diapers, or sleepiness – we just run through our checklist until we’ve discovered the culprit behind her alarming screams. It’s definitely a blessing to hold the little one and know that, as parents, she will always be a part of us. Here’s to continued sleepless nights!

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