INT. MIAMI DOLPHINS LOCKER ROOM – DAY
The Miami Dolphins football team is horsing around in the locker room. Offensive linemen are snapping each other with wet towels, quarterback RYAN TANNEHILL is in the middle of popping a pimple, coach JOE PHILBIN is trying to figure out how to program his iPhone.
Enter STEPHEN ROSS, the elderly bespectacled owner of the Miami Dolphins followed by DENNIS HICKEY, the team’s general manager.
STEPHEN ROSS: Let me have your attention for a moment! Let’s talk about something important. Are they all here, Ireland?
DENNIS HICKEY: You fired Jeff Ireland, sir. I’m Dennis Hickey, the new general manager.
STEPHEN ROSS: You want to waste my time with details? Answer the question.
DENNIS HICKEY: Yes, all the Miami Dolphins players and coaches are here.
STEPHEN ROSS: Let’s talk about something important! (to Philbin) Put that coffee down!! Coffee’s for closers only. (Philbin scoffs) Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Philbin?
JOE PHILBIN: Yeah.
STEPHEN ROSS: You call yourself a coach, you son of a bitch?
JOE PHILBIN: I don’t have to listen to this.
STEPHEN ROSS: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one season to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s game. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this season. As you all know, first place in the AFC is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second place? Second place’s a set of steak knives. Third place is you’re fired. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got players. I paid good money for Mike Wallace. You can’t win with the players you’re given, you can’t close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!
JOE PHILBIN: The players are weak.
RYAN TANNEHILL: Uh, coach we’re standing right here.
JOE PHILBIN: Like I said the players you got us are weak.
STEPHEN ROSS: ‘The players are weak.’ Fucking players are weak? You’re weak. I’ve owned this team six years and we never have a winning record.
RYAN TANNEHILL: You own the team? What’s your name?
STEPHEN ROSS: Fuck you, that’s my name!! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I flew a helicopter. That’s my name!! (to Philbin) And your name is “you’re wanting.” And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close them. And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Win some damn games.
RYAN TANNEHILL: You’re such a hero. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
STEPHEN ROSS takes off his gold watch.
STEPHEN ROSS: You see this watch?
RYAN TANNEHILL: Yeah.
STEPHEN ROSS: It doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked in years, but I keep it cause I paid a lot of money for it. Just like I paid a lot of money for you to be the quarterback Tannehill and I paid a lot for you to be the coach Philbin and I can’t stand to admit I made a mistake and have to pay twice for something whether it’s a watch, a coach, a general manager or a player.
JOE PHILBIN: You could have come in here and said that nicely instead of cursing at us.
STEPHEN ROSS: That watch cost more than your car. You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you — go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Win! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this — You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the players you got, make myself twelve wins! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! The wins are out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t, you’re going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be a coach, it’s a tough racket.” I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.
Stephen Ross exits the locker room with Dennis Hickey steps behind him.
RYAN TANNEHILL: That was harsh. You think he means it this time?
JOE PHILBIN: Nah, both our contracts go through next year. We’ll go 7-9 again this year and he’ll come back next September with the same speech. Hey you got an iPhone? You know how to get Siri to call plays for me?